A big chunk of my time is taken up with worrying about my appearance/clothes/makeup/weight. It’s always been like that.
But lately I’ve been wondering why I care, and whether I really should care as much as I do.
I mean, recent grievances have led me to realise that life is so short – you literally do not know when your time is up. It’s a scary thought, one that we put to the back of our minds. But sometimes it seems like we don’t truly realise how short it is, how vulnerable we are.
I know this is a very dark take on my Self Confidence Series, and I’m sorry, but I just think that I’m wasting my time being worried when really I should just be living.
The average person can’t quit their job and travel the world as soon as they realise how vulnerable and short their lives are. I mean, here I am still in England after having parts of my life tumble down and finally really realising. And it’s not feasible for me to leave any time soon. But maybe I should start living life in different ways – by letting go of the worries and anxieties that stop me from doing different things.
Let’s take for instance the average thing of going out for a meal. These times cause slight panic in me as I think ‘Oh I should eat something healthy’, but then argue with myself that I want that damn sticky toffee pudding. Then after I’ve given in to sugar I’m wracked with guilt for the rest of the week. Or if I do go for the salad I feel disappointed that I didn’t have what I wanted. But am I really going to be on my deathbed thinking ‘Oh I’m so glad I had that salad on the 5th October when I went to Bills’? No. Is my grave stone going to say ‘Hazel Jane – Slightly Over-Average Body Size Thanks To Her Love Of Food’? Err, I hope not.
I get so scared with wearing different things – I love bodycon dresses but have never had the confidence to wear one – but I shouldn’t be scared, should I? No one should. We only live once, so why are we so worried about what we look like? When people leave, we don’t think of their weight in the slightest. We think of their smile, their eyes, their personality. Once we’re gone, all of our personal worries leave too. No one carries them on for you. So maybe we should leave them behind now, and just live.
I will always be a healthy person – if I don’t want something sugary etc.I won’t eat it, and I’m always going to do exercise since it makes me happy. But the way I’ve thought of/looked at myself has never been healthy. And maybe just forgetting my troubles and living/wearing/eating what I want will help me to live the healthiest life I can lead whilst I spend my time on Earth. Don’t you think?
This is a big epiphany, the fact that I will love life and live it even more if I leave behind my self-hatred. Does this mean I’ll never feel bad about myself again? Maybe not, because sadly it’s human nature.
But if I ever have small life choices that could be changed by my lack of self-confidence, I’m not going to let it. I’m going to live my life, wear a bodycon dress, and eat that damn sticky toffee pudding.